From planning camping trips to finding out I have cancer and all that the big “C” means to me.
Six weeks ago I was planning for summer. So ready for summer to be here after this year’s Snopacalyspe and the rainy spring season, I was dreaming of starry summer nights around the fire pit, beach trips, camping, smores, and so much more, even my 40th birthday.
My life had already changed, been altered completely and I was trying to get it upright again, hoping that summer would slow down the information overload and help me process all that was going to change in the next year.
Less than 2 weeks prior I had learned that I had a genetic mutation called BRCA2. This mutation means that I had a 69% chance of having Breast Cancer, or Ovarian Cancer, and a high likelihood that I could have or get melanoma of the skin or eye and Pancreatic Cancer (like my mom). Within 3 days I was having my first mammogram, I also had appointments with dermatologists and a breast surgeon. This is when I learned that having a full mastectomy wasn’t an if rather it was a when. My when was a good 6-12 months down the line, and let me be clear, I was really hoping to push this further out if I could manage.
So I was all about summer, time with family and friends, weekend getaways, evenings spent on the patio that slowly turn into night. Time to relax, to research, to understand all that was going on. Time had a very different idea than I did, time and cancer had already caught up to me. I had to go back in for a second mammogram, strictly a routine procedure to check my baseline. During this routine procedure I quickly became aware that while this was routine to all of the technicians, this wasn’t going to be routine for me. I was called in to speak with the doctor who let me know that I was going to need to come back in for biopsies (yes, multiple!) one on each side.
The wait for the dreaded biopsies was awful, I kept imagining a cold sterile room, laying on a hard operating table and a cartoon like gigantic needle. Fortunate for me, this is not how it was at all, the staff was amazing, it wasn’t cold, they allowed me to listen to music and they did a great job numbing me. The doctor had a gentle and kind demeanor and I never even saw the needle. The doctor had been doing this for a long time and informed me that he was 90% sure I had cancer. And he was correct. He called me the following day to see how I was doing and to make sure I wasn’t lifting anything. He also had my results. My world didn’t spin out of control, I didn’t freak out I simply thanked him for letting me know so quickly as well as for his warm bedside manner then we hung up and I called my husband.
I have now known that I am living with breast cancer for about a month, and it has been a month in limbo. Trying to figure out what comes next and when, all the while having 3 elementary age kids with the end of school year events, field trips, parties and their high hopes for summer. My husband and I had and have so many questions not just about the cancer and the time line for surgery but trying to figure out how to live life between now and then. What is normal? What was normal 2 months ago is no longer normal for us, our new normal is Cancer.
But how does our new normal of Cancer fit into our lives as they were? Now we were faced with a challenge, not just the challenge of cancer, but of life and living, of moving forward. We had and still have choices to make. How are we going to take on these challenges? How are we going to choose to deal with cancer being our new normal? Some things need to change, obviously how can they not? But, not everything needs to change, not right away anyway.
So along with the big “C” being part of our everyday and every breath we also have 3 more “c’s”: Challenge, Choice and Change that we are faced with every day. We all have challenges and depending on the time in your life depends on your challenge. My challenge right now happens to be a pretty big one, cancer and it is something that is going to be in my life for the rest of my life. So now I have some pretty big choices to make because cancer is now part of my everyday. One of those choices that I have made is to not let life be about my cancer; not everything can be, and not every day.
I also have changes to make, changes in my health care, diet, changes in my habits and routines. But to be honest some days the biggest and most important change I need to make or can make is my attitude. Cancer sucks, the endless doctor appointments (sometimes 2-4 a week, sometimes 2-4 a day), the calls, the insurance, not to mention the fear and emotions of it all, well it can bring a person down. Some days are rough, I call those days “cancer days” and on those days what I really need is a change, sometimes that means a change of venue or a change of the radio station, sometimes is means a really good iced coconut milk mocha with whip but it always means a change of attitude. I’ll admit I’m not always that great at changing the attitude so I’ll often settle for the mocha, what can I say, I’m a work in progress.
For that progress I need champions. I need to have champions all around me. I need you to be my champion. Yes, I need to be my own champion to know that I will come out of this on the other side stronger and still me. I will be the champion over this breast cancer. I also need champions, those around me to build me up, to keep me standing, moving forward, fighting this fight and when I can’t keep going, those who keep going for me. I think Champion is my favorite of all the C words, and I think I’d like that to be the big “C” for me. Cancer has a lot of power, just the word strikes fear and trembling but the word CHAMPION has power as well, it makes you stand a little taller, run a little faster, fight a little harder and if we are all honest with ourselves we are probably thinking of Rocky running up those steps with his fists in the air; a champion. Or maybe your just thinking of the Queen song. Either way, the word champion makes me want to rise up and fight, it makes me feel hopeful and grateful for those that are championing me, so if it’s okay with you the big “C” for me isn’t cancer, it’s Champion and I invite you to be a champion with me.
