I don’t know where to start. To be honest, as I begin writing this, I don’t know exactly where this is going, only that I am supposed to write it, even if it’s only for myself; however, I suspect that someone reading this needs it as much as I do. Isn’t that why we go through the things that we do, to help someone else get through them too? So, here it goes…
I am plus size.
I know this is not a shocker to most of you reading this. Whether you know me personally or just stumbled upon this article, you can simply look at a picture and know that I am plus size. You may be thinking, okay, what’s the big deal? And the fact that I am plus size by itself is not a big deal, but how I view myself because of it is a big deal. The strange truth is that I have lived in equal parts denial and shame regarding my size and shape.
As I am here in my office typing, a memory popped into my mind, a moment when I was in 7th or 8th grade. I was tiny, probably between 4’6” – 4’8”, 80-90lbs, and wore a children’s size 10-12. Yes, I was still wearing children’s sizes in junior high. In this memory, I was wearing shorts, sitting on the ground with my legs stretched out straight. My knees just disappeared into my leg, which was a bit concave. What I know now that I didn’t know then is that my joints hyperextend; they straighten a little too far. The fact that I didn’t have bony knees like everyone else was pointed out, and it was joked about that I didn’t have any knees, that my legs were so chubby that my knees disappeared when I straightened them. It doesn’t matter who joked and teased; it wasn’t meant to be cruel, just silly. What does matter is that I believed there was something wrong with me because I didn’t have bony knees like everyone else, and everyone saw me as chubby. That moment I was shamed because of my shape, and that shame has been with me since then.
I have allowed my shape to be a constant source of shame for the vast majority of my life. I have also hidden from it, ignored it, and tried to pretend it wasn’t my reality by playing small and trying to hide away. The confusion between shame and denial made sense when I was a young junior high girl that didn’t understand how she could be both teeny tiny and chubby. That girl was not chubby, not by a long shot; she wasn’t even in the 25% for her age. I was anchored down by the shame that day, and I guess I’m writing this today because I still am.
I have been listening to a book on audible called “Try Softer,” where the author, therapist Aundi Kolber talks about connecting to ourselves and healing, starting with being compassionate toward ourselves. I have been enjoying the book but wasn’t sure where it fits into my story until yesterday. I was in my car, stopped in traffic, listening to Kolber talk about trying a softer approach with ourselves, to be present to our pain and, rather than push through it, show ourselves compassion. While I sat in traffic, audible fading into the background, I realized that I had never been compassionate with myself. I have been ashamed, and I have hidden; I have been angry, I have been embarrassed, I have tried to change it; I have let it hold me captive and dictate my choices, and so much more. But I have never stood toe to toe with myself, recognized that I am plus size, and accepted it. I have never truly accepted myself. I have never loved myself fully for who I am through and through, inside and out. Instead, I have tried to love myself in spite of my size. I have never been compassionate with myself; I have never tried softer.
Last February, I started a 12-week health program called WildFit. It is a fantastic program with a lot of great information about food, and I learned a lot about eating with the seasons. I even released 30 lbs +, but then summer came. Summer was stressful for many reasons; before I knew it, 10 lbs crept back on. The stress came knocking, and the cortisol answered. Rather than be compassionate with me, I was in denial about it, not wanting to think about it or deal with it, and then the shame took over. The disappointment took over “how could you let this happen again?” My thoughts scolded, “you failed again. What are people going to think?” Then the struggle with what to wear started, and the few new items I purchased started to feel more snug than I would like, which created frustration and embarrassment. And then the loop begins to take over. Do you know the loop? You probably have one, maybe not about weight; perhaps you struggle with something different. For me, it goes like this :
“hmm, what should I wear? Oh, this flowy top and maybe a little jacket or cardigan to cover up”
Then I start to wonder and ask everyone around me, “Does this look ok?”
Next, the loop starts to spin out of control with negative thoughts like, “I don’t know if I want to go there. What will people think of me? Of the way I look?”
And finally, it’s a full-on emotional assault on myself “people will talk about me because I’m fat, they won’t like me, they won’t want to be my friend, I’m not good because of the way I look.”
This loop is relentless and cruel.
About a year ago, I started to dive into mindset work and shifting my paradigm, which has been excellent and helpful with the vicious loop. Our mindset and the things we say to ourselves are so important, and they have everything to do with our reality. Our subconscious believes what we say to it, and then we act in a manner that upholds what we say, creating our reality. As I have worked on my mindset and paradigm with weight issues, I never fully accepted where I am and who I am and then simply loved myself. I have been spending my time and spinning my wheels trying to change something without even accepting the very thing that I want to change. First things first, I need to recognize where I am right now; I need to accept it so that I can fully love myself right where I am. Then I can get to the root and show myself the compassion and gentleness that I have lacked for so long.
To be very clear, this is not about body positivity, and it’s not about fitting into the mainstream version of how women should look. This is about my personal struggle with weight. I am not trying to be a size 2, and I am also not looking to stay the size I am. My size is not healthy for my body. My goal is to be healthy, to feel good in my body, and to know my worth and the value that I provide regardless of my dress size. My goal is to acknowledge and accept myself for who I am on the inside and the outside, to love myself for who God created me to be, at the size he designed me to be. My goal is to meet myself with compassion in every facet of my life, all along my journey of becoming the woman I am meant to be.
I hope that as I am vulnerable and share my struggles and journey with you, you will also be encouraged to show yourself compassion. I hope that you will meet your struggles with kindness and patience and that we can encourage each other in the process of healing and growth.
